Sunday, October 28, 2012

lonely ship of fools

There is a shot in the movie Bounce (2000) where the character Abby is sitting alone in a crowd of people in a stadium at a baseball game.  She is waiting.  To be honest it has been so long since I have actually seen the movie I don't remember if man she was waiting for showed or not but what I do remember is the look on her face as she waited... how do you explain the disparity of knowing you are alone and 'he' is not coming while holding fast to a hope you don't believe in that 'he' is.  Strange as it may sound that manufactured look (end result long forgotten) helped me to leave my first husband.  Being alone is one thing, lonely quite another.  I would say the difference between alone and loneliness in contextual.  A fine line kept neat by how you feel about yourself.    

To me there is a peace in being alone and there is a sweet sadness and if you walk it right a victory.  But at the end of a long day driving home in the dark it is simply Alone.  Street lights breaking the night striping the car in light, gap of dark, light, gap of dark, light...bathed in fleeting comfort the same as being with friends, alone, being with friends, alone.
Lonely has no street lights.  You drive the gap, endless and cold.   
We (Misty & Beach) are alone too much.

I like being alone, perhaps I like it more than I should.  BC once told me he it was okay I was so busy gone so long swallowed up by the red bricks of the medical center, "I like missing you.  I have never missed anyone before."  He and I are alone together, two people in love but unbound.  I've said it before it is the greatest strength and the biggest weakness of our relationship.

My Dearest BC, 

Yesterday long after I sat alone surround by friends watching our daughter 'win', after leaving alone, but before I wandered over to Grows to watch the girls play in the leaves, eat a hot dog (they know me so well!), and enjoy a beer, and way before I spent a few hours late into the night helping get the gym back to being the gym (post home gym put back).  Between all that, sitting a stop light crying I decided to tell you it was "time to make this something that is more just fair" ~BLN, call and answer.  Yes, I know an annual call for the two of us to come home together after a lingering summer and a October spent mostly apart.  The same way we united our first year, our first October, our first falling November.

This morning I woke up sick, too much dust in the gym, too little sleep.  I have saved you a some sweet rolls (best I ever made!), and I have pic's of Boo's meet, you can even see her floor routine!!! Her pumpkin is carved and on the porch, sorry the pumpkin seeds are all gone, the Halloween light drive done and over but we still have a few mountains to climb although you will need to buy some wine, afraid that is all gone too.
I will see you tonight when you and I are back here together.
Come home we are expecting you.     

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