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the best gift

I was kneeling on the floor helping Beach carefully box up 3 medals made of glass. 

Beach was far more fascinated by the boxes than the awards she had won. As soon as they announced boxes were available she rushed to get hers. 

She showed me the silky interior, the indented circle for the medal face, and announced the color was the "best" blue. 

"Aren't these boxes just beautiful?" She asked me holding them up.  

I was kneeling at her feet looking up into her smiling face thinking how lucky I was to have this kid in my life when I heard a mom from the sea of people squeezing by us say, "No, you leave those on I want people to see them when I am walking with you." 

As the woman twisted to grab the shoulders of her child our eyes met.   

Practically standing over me she looked down on me and at the stack of boxes in my hand, and then to Beach. 

Smiling Beach. 
Smiling, struggling Beach. 

The kid fighting a 10-second pause on beam before her series- the series she fell on. The kid asking from the backseat of the car through tears, "When is my dad coming back?" Wonderful, funny, honest, sweet Beach.

The look on the woman's face gave me the feeling we were the last pair of people she would have wanted to have heard her say that.

Her daughter looked at Beach, passing a weak smile of recognition; they had been on the podium together. Then awkwardly under the weight of her mother, she was taken away.

At first Beach and I just stared at each, both us feeling almost guilty for them witnessing us being us, and us seeing them being them. 

In the wake of them, I didn't know what to say to my own child but she knew what needed to be said. 

"That was really sad, mom. I feel bad for that girl- and her mom. That must really suck."

I stood up and Beach asked, "Can I see one of the boxes, they are so cool!"  

running on the ground

I’m stumped on what I can say about reuniting with BC in Moab,  About how it felt to see his new life with my own eyes.  Walking through it as if I was wearing a visitors' badge trying not to tread too heavily where I don't belong.

Between pushing hard to leave the farm in good enough condition for the in-laws to watch, all  the money stress, travel details, big and little kids, and the drive, I pulled into Moab sicker than I had been in days. My condition seemed to unnerve BC but he appeared to be a little unsure about how to behave either.

Did we really unravel 12 years in a few months apart? 

Well, no, not completely...

It took a couple of hours to get Beach to stop looking at me as if I was the interrupter of her dad's new life. By then she had already scribbled her name in the dirt all over the job site and jumped on every bed in the camper trailer where he is staying.

 To me it felt somewhere between a custody hand off and a first date.  But slowly in the landscape of Arches we began to find common ground again.  Which is sort of funny because the common ground we share is the appreciation for just how opposite we are from one-another. 

 There in the vastness of Arches I watched my child fall back in love with her father. 

 And I watched BC and I meet again as the people we are today.

 As the distance faded I could feel myself watching the horizon, wondering if this was our new life together-apart.  He really loves Moab and there is a ton of work there but not enough skilled contractors to do it all....

 Her gym, her world is in SLC and that is not changing.

The way it stands now his job is on track to wrap up in June. 

 But I suspect when the time comes it will be more of a new beginning than an ending to this way of life for us. 

Once I told BC I would follow him anywhere. At the time I meant Alaska. I had no idea that "anywhere" would include living separately-together. He never has been one for predictability or convention.  And although I have always claimed my perfect relationship would include being on the receiving end of a phone call home from camp 2 on Everest we all know I wouldn't hear the phone ring...

But from here I see my life very differently than I did before.  

In fact I think I have the best view of it I have ever had. 

 A lot of things that haven't been making sense I now understand.  We stayed the night in Moab in his trailer on the job site. We hiked through Arches, swam at the local pool, and ate Mexican food in town. Then I took us to stay in a 5 star resort in Colorado Springs.  Where we sat out on the balcony drinking PBR and laughing about the contrast. 

 For the first time in my life I think I truly see who I am, what I want, and where I am going.

Somewhere in the space and time of the drive home with Beach sound asleep as the miles rolled by, I reminded myself to tell BC to make sure whatever new car he was buying to replace little red has to have a full size spare and jack because where I am planning on going it requires the comfort of knowing you have a good spare tire just in case.

 It feels really good to finally be standing on my own two feet on solid ground.

the blue line: may contain strong or offensive language ie pinkeye.

Beach's gym is hosting a gym meet this upcoming weekend. Fun. I work, Beach competes, I work some more, and Beach has a birthday party to get to, I work some more, and Fisher's mom is in town to visit with him. More than likely that will include a fight about a motorcycle. A motorcycle 3/4 of his parents agreed on but she said no to, then yes, then no, then prayed about it and said god said no. I'm not sure if god signed off on her keeping all of his hard earned summer job funds from him over it, that is a grey area.

I should ask her since god and I don't talk... 

Feeling a bit scattered the kids and I decided we should make a giant calendar on the wipe board detailing the events of the next few days just to keep the farm running smoothly. Things are going to be a little crazy and I can tell you it is the dogs who are getting the shit end of the stick. Oh wait the chickens, I totally forgot about the chickens!

In blue marker I have 3 days listed: Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Thursday almost looks normal. Just a few items like: Fish to school, Beach to gym, Misty to work... 7:30 Sarah-Mom pick up from gym drop Beach to"?", Misty 8PM pick up Sarah-Mom & go to gym set-up Lehi. 

Okay that question mark at where exactly Beach is going might be something I need to work out- I have options. But still pretty normal-ish.

Friday looks a little stranger. It has lots of times and arrows, a few stars, extra names like Alexis: dogs, added tasks like hijack Sophie early from school, carpool gym rats to Lehi for pre-meet practice, work/gym in Lehi, and Fisher's mom pick Fisher for weekend from school or home (?). 

Maybe it is the kids who are getting the shit end of the stick...anyway... 

Saturday is the craziest. It starts early and ends late. This is the madness and fun (no sarcasm) of meet season & putting on a gym meet. Doing it without BC running backup sucks. I think I have people I have never met helping me out. I might ask the animals to buddy up and take care of each other, although the lower on the food chain they are the trickier it gets to find a good buddy. Plus you can't ever trust the cats with anything.

And in a twist I have Sophie's dad getting both of the girls ready for a meet by himself. There are also a few task still with openings; apply within.

 Before I could finish this post Wednesday got added to the board.
Get trash cans out, lend Alexis the big red van (omg! look out slc!), drop Alexis's car off to mechanic but pick up it backup by 5PM, Beach to my mom's, go to the doctors (maybe), run paper work for Conner to Layton (if needed), pick up Beach & Sophie from gym 7:30PM, keep Soph overnight because the little kids at her mom's house have pinkeye. 

Which caused me to return a call to Sarah-Mom that started with "Fuck you, they have pinkeye?!" Trust me, there will be a part B to this post. I can feel it.
Until then: Go team! And we totally got this <3 
 

from the doctor to gym and home

Beach hiding under the covers
watching Word Girl on her Kindle

The follow-up to Beach's bad tummy is we got the early appointment. Drove through the middle of the city in morning rush hour. Unfortunately Wednesdays are Beach's doctor's day off so we were seen by one of the other treating physicians in the practice- the one I love. 

Not the other one, the one I have actually chewed out twice (back in the little Alexis & Conner mom days) for being indecisive and a giant waste of time and money. I think some of my exact words were, "I could have gotten this same bullshit from some newbie mom on a park bench" and "Really? That's all you are going to say? So when we turn up in the ER tonight because you missed treating this do you want a phone call?" WHICH for the record is what happened. 

She had refused to treat an ear infection in a kid who had a history of ear infections that responded well to antibiotics, and who was already scheduled for surgery after multiple ruptures (the times we didn't get on an rx soon enough), because she said it wasn't "red enough yet". 

It got us an apology from the real doctor and a star in our chart meaning call the real doctor about this kid (or this Mom-Bear, either way).... yeah so, turns out that one doctor I would see her later that night but not in the office- at the gym as I slowly realized her kid is on team! That sucks for me.

Yes, back to Beach at the doctor's office. "You don't come here very often" is what the RN said as he decided to get a rare weight and height on Beach to put in the chart. 10% in weight and 20% in height. 

The home owners photos of BC hard at work

The good other doctor, who looks a lot like Jerry Garcia, ruled out all the lower big scary stuff pretty quickly. He also brilliantly navigated though any possibility it was stress related. Turns out he was the pediatrician to the kids of the head coach of the U of U gymnastics team and has had season tickets forever. He even told Beach where his seats were and said he would look for her at the meet where Beach's gym provides the runners. He told her to wave to him. She told him he should know that was against the rules. Beach kills me. 

The home owners photos of BC hard at work

In the end he pronounced the leading suspect to be esophagitis caused by a little infection possibly an ulcer. With a small amount of management & an rx it should clear up. If it doesn't clear up or doesn't respond to rx and antacids then we know to look a bit deeper like gallbladder... He laid out a very safe and logical plan avoiding all the costly or uncomfortable diagnostics until if/when they were truly needed. 
   

In the car on the way home I asked Beach if she understood everything the doctor had told us.  We talked about what might be happening and why. Then as a way to evaluate what she was really thinking or feeling and how much she was understanding (watch/listen, practice, teach) I asked her what she was going to say when her teammates asked what the doctor said. She answered, "He said my stomach hurts".

Yes, yes he did. And hopefully that is the beginning of the end of it! 

We kicked back the rest of the day. Rescued Sophie from school and hit the gym a little early.  She had a fantastic practice. Her coloring is still pale and waxy and she's not eating very much... but overall we are doing a whole lot better! 

BC called the gym to check on her. Then he told me he emailed me something. I was thinking here I was alone at home with all this weirdness, a frozen washer, stupid chickens, pretty much dead broke, it must be something sweet to cheer me up. 

Nope, it's men standing around drinking beer. 

I did ask him about it he said I was missing the point. It was men drinking beer in front of the walls BC had framed. Interestingly enough throughout this "ninja down with a stomach thing" he is not the first boy to send me a photo of men drinking beer or I should say of beer. That's fine because the girls are a little bit smarter and this turned up in my possession last night. 

Thank you ladies <3 I think we are good :)  

 

waiting outside the waiting room

I slept in my clothes just in case. That is a healthy dose of crazy and practical.

It's 7 am and the peds office opens at 8:30. The target is to be the first worried parent through on the phone this morning to get the earliest appointment possible to sort all this stomach stuff out. Back of the mind target is not to get all weird now and just show up at 8:30 am after being this calm this long. 

Beach is up and acting Disney Cheerful.
(Oh, this kid....)

I explained what was likely to happen at he doctor's office: blood draw, stool sample, pee in a cup, lots of questions, maybe x-ray or ultra sound. 


She balked at the peeing in a cup. I explained the reason. She took the answer, rolled it around and said okay, I hope I have good aim.

I asked if she was nervous.
She said, no, going to the doctor sounds interesting.

She said the only reason she was crying while I carried her out of the gym last night was because she had wanted to tell Big Coach D she had finished her series before she left but was in too much pain to talk. 

(Oh, this kid!) 

She saw a news clip about the Boston Marathon bombing and said in a low voice, oh I don't like THAT bombing.


Which reminded me of the odd thing she said the other day. A friend asked her if the year she competed in Las Vegas if she had gone with Sophie or if Sophie had gone with her. Beach said, neither, our grown-ups took us. 
(...but she sure is a funny kid!)

And when I asked for the umpteen time how she was feeling she finally admitted she can still feel 'something' like it is there but not there ever since her the pain started on Monday afternoon...something she had been denying. Something she did bars and beam with. Looking pretty good too.


I told her the doctor is going want her to do as much of the question answering as possible. Especially because of the whole gym thing. I explained that stress can cause stomach pain in people, real and not exactly real- the pain not the people. "If it was any other kid getting stomach pain suddenly before gym or right before...well you were going to break weren't you..."

She said, Yep, I'm afraid of doing break. 

(Oh, this kid, sigh)