on the mend (because I say so)

It's hard to imagine that under the circumstances- beer in hand, the soft darkness and shelter of the greenhouse folding around the hot tub like clouds of opal, my head tipped back over the edge to keep my hair out of hot water, BC across the tub smiling at me- yes, it is hard to image under all that perfectness I would be whining but I was.

I admitted everything to him... well, not everything, but a lot.
I told him I am losing this battle of control.
I told him I dread the work and the math of food and I'm at the point where it is no longer worth it to me. 

I'm under pressure I can't seem to shake. It is coming from the insult and ludicrous of being sued for child support for a kid who lives with us full time. From the Season and the wrench thrown in by the way the bank is, or shall we say isn't issuing funds for the Moab job until later; and there is no back up plan. It is from the other season, the crazy mad one of meets and travel. It comes from the feeling of being too comfortable & close to my ex. It is from the backhanded compliments and criticisms, some warranted, some not, like phantom chatter coming in on me from other households. It is the long stretches of time without a strong shoulder to lean my head against so I can really relax and smile.       

I laughed.
Then knowing he would be gone by the weekend I said, "I give up."

It is the weight of water. 

He waited.
I laughed again and said, "I don't want to let Beach down or worry her. This is a horrible time to not be well."

It is the vastness of the winter sky stretched across the mountains.

He waited.
I laughed once more at myself and said, "I know I got this. I'm just tired. And stressed. And lonely. And I know, I have good people around me. It is all here...I just have to figure out how."

His smile widened. "Do you want me to come to the doctor with you? It might help if there is someone there who isn't lying to him." He paused, "I shouldn't say lying, I mean you aren't always completely honest with what is going on with you."

I laughed answering, "No, I'd say at this point calling it lying is fair." 
He laughed too and waited patiently for me to find the answer.

It is the way it has always been.

I have never much cared for my resilience.

My money is on my sense of humor- it is most often my only saving grace.

  

up and over

I know. Admitting I hate Christmas makes everyone uncomfortable. But I hate Christmas and last night proves it. It's not fun to me it is overwhelmingly stressful. A season I'm not big enough to hold.  

So stressful I find myself pounding the pavement, logging too many hours out on the road running- then going back out for more. I make crazy decisions for myself and I start to live on coffee and spoons of peanut butter.  

My body is sore. 
My mind is sore.
My sugars are chronically low.

And last night I missed spotting the edge between feeling a little off and tanking completely. 


In my defense as blood sugar falls my mind gets hazy making it harder to reason just when reasoning becomes very important. 

It goes like this: I feel a little tipsy (not so bad). I might complain of not being "clear". A little farther down I will mix up my nouns. Then I get jumpy and lightheaded. At which point I will seek out a soda. That usually works unless I am more off than I realize- like last night.

The trouble is the next step down isn't logical and it doesn't feel physiological, it feels emotional. I get quiet and I get grumpy. I get sad. I shut down. That is the real trouble zone. And once I am there I have the hardest time knowing it.

I came through the door from work silence, dripping grumpy and a pile of mismanaged stuff. BC took one look at me and he knew instantly that I was in trouble....

I spent a long night "fixing" my body, chasing wellness, making promises to myself... that I know I will break.

I love December. I love running through the calmness of the cold. I like the long dark nights and the slow mornings. I love feeling the cloak of winter fall. But I don't love Christmas. 

And I would like that to be okay.

Christmas is like that wall, all I have to do is get up and over it and hope I land well on the other side.   

push

 I am sure I said I could be happy never hiking the overlook ever again.  I said it but I suppose I lied it. Last night BC called home with an offer "I'd hike with you...." he said over the background noise of an open window and heavy weekend traffic dropping down over Parley's summit. He proposed the benches- too hot in the late afternoon sun. He proposed Elbow Fork- too straight up in my post 7 mile run ( 35 for the week) state. I countered with the overlook already regretting it. And he accepted it.  

 I suppose when I said I would not hike this trail again I must have meant I would not hike it alone...

 And had BC not been beside me I wouldn't have made it up the meager 2 mile trail.

Half way up we paused for a water break. He had already noted how nice it was I had "grown-up" and was hiking at a "pleasant pace". It was slow for me. Very slow. What he didn't know was I was working way beyond a comfortable physical limit. Inside my head I was fighting a battle to push through, to not give up- it started in the parking lot. 

When it was time to move again I felt my whole body reject the possibility of more work. I was shaking and crashing harder than I have crashed in a very long time. Crashing halfway up a mountain. It wasn't a surprise. I had already been pushing my luck. 

Beyond the week's total of 35 miles of running there was kick boxing & crossfit, and work, and home, and kid. And the whole forced breakup with bread and friends of bread.  All week BC had looked at his plate frowning but laughing, "Another carb free meal." By Thursday he was calling home to request exotic things like rice or pasta. It's not that he isn't being supportive, its just that he is truly hungry. I'm still learning how to put the whole thing together, feeding my family without poisoning myself. Mostly it is paying off. I feel fantastic, tired but fantastic. I gained 5 pounds and dropped a pant size (a size I never should have gained in the first place!). A five pound gain? That's the way my body works. I have learned to accept it.  

  

 I thought the shaky feel might pass so I said nothing about it until I had no choice. 

BC is very different from the other men in my life. It annoys me to no end how capable he finds me. He pushes me and bates me into fights others would protect me from. He seems to knows where the line is; a line I can't see. 

Last weekend when just out of his sight I fell hiking. He knew I was trouble even as I was denying it. Before I could pick myself up he was standing over me, his hand out. He picked me right out of rocks and set me firmly on my feet on the ledge beside him. The ledge I had let slip out of my hands.

   

Back on the overlook trail after telling him I was crashing he looked me square in the face and asked, "Misty Brown, do you want to quit?"

No, I don't.

I want to fight through this. I want to keep going even when it is hard. I want to face the fight head on. I want to wake up and know where I am. 

And in the end I want to come out on top.

 Beside him.

Sometimes 2 miles is just 2 miles. 

remember me?

Due to the early gym/work schedule BC has taken on the primary role of grounds keeper here on the farm. Other than to snag some herbs, a cucumber, or a zucchini for dinner I haven't had the chance to really see the garden in a few weeks. Beach has been bringing me sweet little treasures- piles pf peas and hand fulls of ripe raspberries but I haven't been there....

Since Monday I have been fight a thick fatigue and chest pains. Familiar signs that the chemistry in my body is off. A little frustrating because I was feeling so well until we got back from camping. 

Maybe it was the flour in the pizza crust, or the bread in the French toast, the half serving of pasta in the spinach raviolis- my body just can't handle sugars like those. For weeks I have stayed mostly away from breads, flours, and sugar and I have felt unstoppable.

But being that way meant a lot of planning and work in the kitchen, time to shop & money to spend on me, and the energy to make it to those 5:30 am work outs. 

Of course that is the answer: to be unstoppable again, but before I go there I think I will stay here awhile longer.

Hang out in the garden and play with my sweet cat.