going down?

Warning: This post should be filed directly under too much girl type of emotional information.

Yep, that’s all the warning you get before I take you right into my crazy head...

I need to unburden my body by about 10 perhaps 12 pounds to be at what I would consider my ‘fighting weight’,  literally the weight that helps me feel like fighting in a the good way not the bad way.  It isn’t about looks it is about feelings, not about jeans but about power. 

I have all the skills to succeed and love to work out, to run, to hike, to swim, to fall off my bike…Yet I struggle all the time to stay in the middle zone.  I have been too thin (did you mean to get that skinny?), I have been too heavy (wth, how did this happen?!?!), and I have bounced between them for years.  I have to be very careful about how I go about dropping weighting if I screw up I could literally kill myself. 

Being diabetic does not help.  Being hypoglycemic does not help.  Having the immune system of a Nat does not help.  My age isn’t helping too much.  Mean Nurses do not help at all (bitch).  Being female does not help…

Okay, what did help was other day I decided to find out how much I actually weigh after all this running, hiking, crossfiting, yoga, cardio blasting.  I didn’t expect a huge loss (maybe none at all) I had had some serious issues with the heat and my levels [lots of boring science goes here] which prevented me from reducing my calories but the number I got was higher than it had been the month before by 6 pounds!!!!

I was totally crushed. I came home in that creepy angry silence that scares the kids. I was pissed & I was exhausted.  I was adamant that I didn’t deserve it.  I had worked harder than that, I deserved more, well LESS actually. 

Anger for me is magic.  I don’t get angry nearly enough.  That's right.  I give too many passes to people to walk on me but here I was standing up to myself (yes, against a scale but it is a start) I didn’t deserve to be given anything than what I had earned.

Well, BC heard all about it the next morning as I sat at the end of our bed lacing my running shoes at 6:30 am.  “Their scale is wrong.” He said matter-of-factly “Weigh somewhere else.”  “It is muscle gain.”  “Water weight.” Others said (even I wondered but I knew that wasn’t right).  The justifications did nothing I was mad and that was a very good thing.

After my morning run I dropped Beach at her gym went hill running then I moseyed over to the rec center slipped past the receptionist and hopped on the scale.  Hum, so BC was right (again) their scale had been wrong.   Not only had I not gained 6 pounds I had dropped 3 more which puts me in the home stretch to healthy.  What I didn’t lose was the ‘angry’.  I’m keeping that thank you very much.  I work hard to be me and I have every right to proudly defend it from myself and any other broken thing that would tell me otherwise.