Tuesday, February 10, 2015

running on the ground

I’m stumped on what I can say about reuniting with BC in Moab,  About how it felt to see his new life with my own eyes.  Walking through it as if I was wearing a visitors' badge trying not to tread too heavily where I don't belong.
Between pushing hard to leave the farm in good enough condition for the in-laws to watch, all  the money stress, travel details, big and little kids, and the drive, I pulled into Moab sicker than I had been in days. My condition seemed to unnerve BC but he appeared to be a little unsure about how to behave either.

Did we really unravel 12 years in a few months apart? 

Well, no, not completely...
It took a couple of hours to get Beach to stop looking at me as if I was the interrupter of her dad's new life. By then she had already scribbled her name in the dirt all over the job site and jumped on every bed in the camper trailer where he is staying.
 To me it felt somewhere between a custody hand off and a first date.  But slowly in the landscape of Arches we began to find common ground again.  Which is sort of funny because the common ground we share is the appreciation for just how opposite we are from one-another. 
 There in the vastness of Arches I watched my child fall back in love with her father. 
 And I watched BC and I meet again as the people we are today.
 As the distance faded I could feel myself watching the horizon, wondering if this was our new life together-apart.  He really loves Moab and there is a ton of work there but not enough skilled contractors to do it all....
 Her gym, her world is in SLC and that is not changing.
The way it stands now his job is on track to wrap up in June. 
 But I suspect when the time comes it will be more of a new beginning than an ending to this way of life for us. 
Once I told BC I would follow him anywhere. At the time I meant Alaska. I had no idea that "anywhere" would include living separately-together. He never has been one for predictability or convention.  And although I have always claimed my perfect relationship would include being on the receiving end of a phone call home from camp 2 on Everest we all know I wouldn't hear the phone ring...
But from here I see my life very differently than I did before.  
In fact I think I have the best view of it I have ever had. 
 A lot of things that haven't been making sense I now understand.  We stayed the night in Moab in his trailer on the job site. We hiked through Arches, swam at the local pool, and ate Mexican food in town. Then I took us to stay in a 5 star resort in Colorado Springs.  Where we sat out on the balcony drinking PBR and laughing about the contrast. 
 For the first time in my life I think I truly see who I am, what I want, and where I am going.
Somewhere in the space and time of the drive home with Beach sound asleep as the miles rolled by, I reminded myself to tell BC to make sure whatever new car he was buying to replace little red has to have a full size spare and jack because where I am planning on going it requires the comfort of knowing you have a good spare tire just in case.
 It feels really good to finally be standing on my own two feet on solid ground.

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