on the mend (because I say so)

It's hard to imagine that under the circumstances- beer in hand, the soft darkness and shelter of the greenhouse folding around the hot tub like clouds of opal, my head tipped back over the edge to keep my hair out of hot water, BC across the tub smiling at me- yes, it is hard to image under all that perfectness I would be whining but I was.

I admitted everything to him... well, not everything, but a lot.
I told him I am losing this battle of control.
I told him I dread the work and the math of food and I'm at the point where it is no longer worth it to me. 

I'm under pressure I can't seem to shake. It is coming from the insult and ludicrous of being sued for child support for a kid who lives with us full time. From the Season and the wrench thrown in by the way the bank is, or shall we say isn't issuing funds for the Moab job until later; and there is no back up plan. It is from the other season, the crazy mad one of meets and travel. It comes from the feeling of being too comfortable & close to my ex. It is from the backhanded compliments and criticisms, some warranted, some not, like phantom chatter coming in on me from other households. It is the long stretches of time without a strong shoulder to lean my head against so I can really relax and smile.       

I laughed.
Then knowing he would be gone by the weekend I said, "I give up."

It is the weight of water. 

He waited.
I laughed again and said, "I don't want to let Beach down or worry her. This is a horrible time to not be well."

It is the vastness of the winter sky stretched across the mountains.

He waited.
I laughed once more at myself and said, "I know I got this. I'm just tired. And stressed. And lonely. And I know, I have good people around me. It is all here...I just have to figure out how."

His smile widened. "Do you want me to come to the doctor with you? It might help if there is someone there who isn't lying to him." He paused, "I shouldn't say lying, I mean you aren't always completely honest with what is going on with you."

I laughed answering, "No, I'd say at this point calling it lying is fair." 
He laughed too and waited patiently for me to find the answer.

It is the way it has always been.

I have never much cared for my resilience.

My money is on my sense of humor- it is most often my only saving grace.