up and over

I know. Admitting I hate Christmas makes everyone uncomfortable. But I hate Christmas and last night proves it. It's not fun to me it is overwhelmingly stressful. A season I'm not big enough to hold.  

So stressful I find myself pounding the pavement, logging too many hours out on the road running- then going back out for more. I make crazy decisions for myself and I start to live on coffee and spoons of peanut butter.  

My body is sore. 
My mind is sore.
My sugars are chronically low.

And last night I missed spotting the edge between feeling a little off and tanking completely. 


In my defense as blood sugar falls my mind gets hazy making it harder to reason just when reasoning becomes very important. 

It goes like this: I feel a little tipsy (not so bad). I might complain of not being "clear". A little farther down I will mix up my nouns. Then I get jumpy and lightheaded. At which point I will seek out a soda. That usually works unless I am more off than I realize- like last night.

The trouble is the next step down isn't logical and it doesn't feel physiological, it feels emotional. I get quiet and I get grumpy. I get sad. I shut down. That is the real trouble zone. And once I am there I have the hardest time knowing it.

I came through the door from work silence, dripping grumpy and a pile of mismanaged stuff. BC took one look at me and he knew instantly that I was in trouble....

I spent a long night "fixing" my body, chasing wellness, making promises to myself... that I know I will break.

I love December. I love running through the calmness of the cold. I like the long dark nights and the slow mornings. I love feeling the cloak of winter fall. But I don't love Christmas. 

And I would like that to be okay.

Christmas is like that wall, all I have to do is get up and over it and hope I land well on the other side.