coasting

The conversations aren't going well. He and I simply aren't good over the phone. We never have been. There is too much distance to read.

I try telling him only the good or the bad that is funny. The house is clean, the kids happy and well fed, the animals not dead. 

I don't tell him I have successfully managed to peel off another couple of pounds and in the process jack-up my bad shoulder. He would just worry. 

Last night driving home from the gym in the dark Beach and Sophie laughing and chatting in the backseat I could sense the bottom coming. 

Each little giant on the phone to a missing parent: both talking to dads. I overhear that somehow Beach missed getting her beam score because 'mom wanted to go'. 

That wasn't true. It seemed a completely unfair accusation. But such a minor offense arguing it with BC would be petty. 

I hadn't rushed her, or I hadn't meant to. Not after all the time I put in, all the time she puts in. Yes, I was having an off night. And my shoulder killed and something was in the air I could feel but not name...it doesn't matter. It's just me.
  

So I accepted the phone after she was done and he and I talked. Somewhere in a break of the usual words he asked, "Are you okay?" 

I sort of snapped back because I thought he was asking something else. I thought it was a reference to my cell phone skills or lack there of.  It wasn't. He was honestly asking for the first time if I was okay.

We have suspended our lives for about 9 months. I have missed 2 whole seasons of camping. Held our expectations and waited for the real waiting to begin. 

Standing here at the tip of this I would say: I have put my life on hold. I have pushed aside all my values and wants. Everything I believe about love and family is hanging in the winter wind. 

I have agreed to do this despite all the costs to everyone involved. All for his one chance to follow his dreams. And I would say to him: Of course I am okay- I'm in love with you.  

BC and Scott salvaging a beam from the river.

In the little bits of sleep I stole last night I dreamed of long boarding down the long black river trail. I could feel the cold stinging my eyes, the wind push against my ears, and the uneven burning in my legs from the way I stand and pump. I could even make out the tingling anticipation of a poorly timed peddle or twig jamming beneath a wheel- it's always the small stuff that brings you down.    

I am giving this 'holding down the fort thing' everything I have. And from somewhere, somehow, I would gladly give you even more. In fact, I am sure that moment lays ahead. 

But I do now have a favor I would like to ask of you. I hardly ever ask for material goods but I would really like to have a long board again... sometimes a runner needs a way to stop running without losing ground.