learning swerves

If they read this it might catch off guard some of the moms who where there and watched me do this, I apologize for that but about 3 mouths ago I parked in the parking lot of Beach’s gym, walked her in, dropped my car keys inside her team folder in the filing cabinet, let people know where the keys were & where I was going and left on foot to run to the park. On the way I crossed over the freeway bridge and thought “car in the lot, keys easy to find, kid in good hands, if I’m going to do this, this would be the time and the place. I should jump- shouldn’t I." The question hung high over speeding traffic. So I stopped in the middle of the bridge and waited for the answer to come...

When my son was in preschool a mom dropped her child off at school went home put the baby down for a nap and killed herself knowing full well that when she didn't show back-up for pick-up it would trigger, in the shortest period of time, the safe recover of both of her children. Minus dead mom. 

Yesterday as I laced up the low profile running shoes I snagged from BC after he complained they hurt too much to wear, sure there is a little a bit too much room in the front but I suppose with the overall better fit and function of the shoes it won’t cause the trouble my last pair of ill fitting shoes caused….any-who, as I was lacing I realized I hadn’t seen my REAL running shoes in awhile and I started to panic.  I checked the usual places but found no sign of them.  Then it hit me: they left because I used other shoes!!! Okay so that thought has the emotional age of a three year old, I get it.  But this is honestly how my mind ’dis-works’ sometimes.  A whole section of irrational fear lurks, cloaked deep in the foundation of my Doubting Thomas Self.  Thomas can stay but the add-ons have to evacuate the stadium.  See they don’t belong there, they are ghost of past bells still ringing in my head.  Like a lab rat I was trained there would be consequences for bad behavior.  My stuff disappeared all the time.  My full collection of Buffet CD’s, my soccer ball I had since I was 9, photos, a blue coffee mug, even friends (this is why I can't hold on to what I see as casual friendships they are too perishable to enjoy) , anything that could be identified as “me” was in danger of disappearing at anytime for even the slightest of missteps.  In total about 12 something years, that is about 4,380 day.  That is a lot of trust to regain a lot of me to find and some of the pieces are hard to recover.

I think it is no secret (lol) I battle 2 large and separate demons: my past & then my sister‘s death (PTSD). Some days are better than others but overall I am doing better than the odds gave me.

I have always been afraid of the edges, afraid I might jump out of some uncontrollable emotion or unseen force. But I have never been presented with such perfect conditions for jumping before.  I have never had the chance to choose not to.

And honestly there is nothing to really worry about, my running shoes were safe and sound on the back deck the whole time...