of being mom

I was in the middle of pulling apart my entire kitchen when I was summoned to the ER by the pain of her broken toe.  And when I returned to that spot 10 hours later nothing had changed. Quart bottles and cans covered the kitchen counters, dirty dishes in the sink, pans & their lids in a pile covering the stove top.  Hot soapy water in the sink had cooled and the bubbles all burst.  The plans I had for the day were washed away by the morning spent reading x-rays and an afternoon into night on the mom bench watching to make sure she would be okay.

I'm a little exhausted and exceptional sick.  

BC is in Moab.  

And a horse waits for us in the stables. 

I think to write an apology for skipping out on the days original plan but when it goes like this "thank you for watching your child for me".  I see I can't send that even to a best friend....

We had big bowls of soup and tender toast for dinner with grapes too sweet to be winter grapes.  We passed the phone around as BC asks each of us about our day.  "He sounds tired." Beach said.  He sounds drunk, I laugh to myself.  Moab is always a good place to be.

I had wanted the whole house spotless by the time he came home.

I had wanted to take Beach to see her horse.

I had wanted to go on a walk with Chelsea.

I had wanted to pack the fridge with fresh vegetables and bowls with fruit. 

Organize the pantry, finish the laundry, play with the dogs, laugh at the falling snow.

Before bed I spent a half hour on the phone with my ex helping him and talking about our kids. I am sick I gasp or cough when I have to say more than a sentence so I mostly listen to him.  It ends as it always does when it gets uncomfortably friendly for both of us. It is our love for them that does that to us.

Beach slept poorly in my bed.  I didn't do much better.

In the early morning stepping over sleeping dogs I wandered downstairs for coffee alone. The kitchen has improved very little the jars and cans have been sorted and placed on the edge of the counter to be taken out to the pantry.  The dirty dishes gone. Bills are paid.  Good cheeses in the fridge.  BC is due home tonight.

I think if we hit the stables early enough I can come home and get the house mostly clean before BC rolls back in.  We can finish Beach's math and get her toe some rest.

I'm a little exhausted and exceptional sick but very, very happy to be here. 

Happy to be swallowed whole by motherhood again and again. 

Happy to be drown in domestic life with visions of running grander peak. 

Tomorrow I get to turn 41.

I really should bake myself a cake.