The first night BC was gone, working an out of town job, I didn’t do this. I had felt sick and slow up until the Super Bowl. There, at a party surrounded by friends, I perked up And that night I went to bed late but I slept.
Yesterday started the same as the day before only there was to be no perking up only a slow soft downward spiral. Nothing was so wrong as much as nothing was so right. A puzzle nearly completed by a week's worth of work knocked to the floor by the mischievous hands of a 4 year led to a 10 year old sobbing in a puddle on the ground 3 minutes before she was to leave for gym. It is a complicated eye thing. The perfect puzzle size, not too big to be a baby puzzle but not too small that she can’t do it . And all that work based on the teetering faith that a second hand puzzle would have all the pieces.
I drove a balling child to gym when I should have been working on my pieces for the paper.
I called home to check on the teenager I have been given to parent for the next 5 months. When he didn’t answer I called BC out of town who let me know the kid had changed his planned on me and instead of going home after school he was going to movie and be out late, ~might need a ride~ ‘oh, should I have told him to just get on the bus? was the last thing I heard clearly. Staring at 5 months of what I say not mattering one bit seemed like a long time.
I checked the Pro Shop calender and discovered I had all my dates wrong of when I worked.
I worried endlessly about the writing I needed to be doing but wasn't.
I stopped at 4 stores looking for a new puzzle and found nothing that would work for her.
I drove up and down 33rd south trying to settle myself on something that would help me keep it together long enough to get Beach from the gym. I slipped in and sat far down the bench pretending to be invisible. Turns out that is not a power I have. One of Beach's very sweet teammates told Beach she thought I looked super sad and when she passed by me she thought it looked like I had been crying.
Driving in the dark down the interstate, Beach clutching an Oreo shake and a $2 bag filled with second hand treasure of miniature items I found while puzzle searching, I remembered doing that drive with her brother. I remembered driving it with my Ex. I remembered driving it with my sister. I remembered driving it as a small child in the backseat of my father's car. Several lifetimes ago and yet I am still so just me
By the end of the day the inside of my eyes simmered, my brain felt like dingy drooping wallpaper inside my skull. My thoughts walking where there is nowhere to stop and rest. Nowhere to refuel and running on empty....I slept with the tv on.
Because no one was home at dusk the chickens were not in the coop. They roosted in the trees and woke frosted with a layer of snow. The baby chicks spent a cold night alone in the left open nursery coop their young mother forgetting in her freedom to go back to them and she bedded down with the others.
I too wake to the snow.
I can’t imagine wanting to run. again. ever.. It seems like way too much work for nothing.
I wonder about Jack and where she went or if she is anymore at all- like the little old man or the naughty black dog.
It reminds me that Scout, BC’s cat’s body was never found.
I think about how my new blue coffee cup will only get broken, so what is the point having it in the first place?
But I know too well how much I enjoy its blueness and strong straight lettering and the way it feels in my hand. I will enjoy it while it is here. Same as the cat and the dog and night drives that fade away with little voices that whisper, "mom I love you.".
The things I am supposed to accomplish may not get done today.
And I’m going to enjoy that too.
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