maybe i'm not a very good mom.... sometimes i can't tell the difference between them. alexis and beach are often the same child to me. 3 year old beach is 3 year old alex; 3 year old alex is beach. i stared at the little clip alex posted of her sister spinning (about age 4) and couldn't wrap my head around which child that was there on the screen. i have looked at beach's feet searching for the scares on her brother's. i miss name them in photos. i point to beach when i am talking about alex.
today it would be nice to know the difference between them. alex was a premature infant 2.7 lbs hospitalized for pneumonia out of the blue at age 4, weak lungs, always under weight, always too small, always a worry, even now. conner a full term walking talking medical disaster hospitalized with pneumonia out of the blue at age 6. beach a full term baby healthiest kid i have ever seen minus the eye thing and the not so often seen or remembered high blood pressure...
as i watch her sleep, day 2, too sick to eat & drink, watching her breathing heavily from her collarbones i whisper to myself she is not alex, she is not conner, but my fear doesn't believe me.
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