lost fillings

I sat in the corner of the gym cross-legged on a bench.  Black sneakers, jeans, a zip-up hoodie, hair a mess, this me at the end of 39 no more grown-up then I was a decade ago and perhaps even less mature than I was 2 decades ago at 19.  I have a good reason for staying through Beach’s whole practice: she is in pain.  Actually she is in pain twice.  But I am having a hard time distinguishing which pain is important to note and which is not my target.  All I should be caring about is the pain in her mouth.  Seems one of her fillings has popped off a back tooth and she is in enough pain to have finally 24 hours later told me about.  Too late to call her dentist I gave her 400 mg of IBF and hoped for the best.  But her other ‘feelings’ seem to have come loose too, causing her pain and for this the RX is time; time to adjust to being separated from her other mates, time to feel big inside even though she is small on the outside.  

I watch her face as she sucks on her cheek.  Is that pain or nervousness?  I lose sight of her between the bigger girls.  She reappears being physically pick up and set down by an older girl moving past her as if Beach was a cat or a toddler heading into the street needing redirection.  I know this bothers her.  She looks little and lost.  The nearest kid to her in height is a good head taller (even with the Littles she was 2^nd shortest) and the rest rise like beautiful rolling hills above them.  She cracks a tiny smile.  She never looks up.    

Trying very hard to be a good rule following gym mom I go to the front desk and ask if someone might go check on Beach and I explain the tooth.  Sending Sue, the nicest woman I know next to my mother to check on her I hold my breath.  She reports that she really doesn’t look well but Beach insists she is fine.  It makes my chest hurt but I laugh remembering trying to pull that one off myself and the way He would bend down getting right in my face.  “Oh-no you don’t.  You can’t slip that past me, I’m ed-u-ma-cated.  From where I’m looking you are not fine, unless it is fine like I’m going to jump off a building fine?”  I would laugh wiggle free of his grasp and say again, “I’m fine.” whether it was true or not.  So much like her mother >damn<.  

They move to beam.  Parents on the benches are staring & smiling at her.  Some even point her out to their little girls waiting on the benches for their class to begin or a sibling’s class to end.  I try to ignore the extraneous information: size does not matter.  The bigger girls are laughing.  They are sweet, kind, and thoughtful.  They praise her and it is not false flattery she looks amazing!!!  She is more than holding her own.  Slowly she begins to smile.  They laugh and she starts laughing too.  And the sucking on her cheek slows down. 

I get the chance to flag down one of her beloved coaches, pull her aside and tell her about Beach’s tooth.  She informs the Beam Coach then has a small powwow with Beach and heads back to the other half of Beach’s team at bars.  This means Beach is doing okay.    

The rest of the 4 hours is a blur of little leo covered bodies propelling themselves through space.  It ends with Beach on the other side of the gym on a different tumble track with her team behind her cheering her on as she braves a new tumbling pass.  Across the big blue floor 3 of the Littles have stopped what they were doing to stand together and watch her. Two of them are her best friends, and they cheer for Beach too.  Beach steadies herself and takes off: front handspring front tuck.  Beach steadies her landing and salutes to cheers and high-fives. The Littles eyes glued on one of their own 'making it big time' giggle and shout, “Oh my gosh, did you see what Beach can do?!”

I sit on a bench knowing we will be standing in the dentist’s office first thing in the morning once again worrying about fillings but I will never be sitting here again wondering about the other kind of feelings.  She will have ups and downs, there are a million more challenges to meet, tears and bruises, it will all be just FINE.  I mean honestly, Did you see what Beach can do...