learning to see

Sometimes my memory of pictures fails me.  Under stress I tend to lose segments of time and chucks of information.  When I try to go back to get what I need I find broken movies and empty pages.

What I recall about yesterday was Beach telling me she wanted to be a photographer.  The delivery to the farm of a backhoe.  An eye appointment.  And bad news: Beach's good eye is for unknown reasons losing vision and there is an urgent need to know why.

I remember coming home to tell BC, standing in mud among heavy machinery and finding he had cut down the Holly Tree.  In my not so great mood I had snapped at him, "You're not really a very good green builder if you can't figure out how to save a tree like that, are you?"

I ran off the anger until through exhaustion I found a nice flat spot in my heart to rest. 

There is a bad reason why the loss of the Holly Tree bothers me.  An unacceptable reason to snap at BC over it.  Shortly after we moved in my X had paid a little visit to the farm.  He walked around the property inspecting the landscaping, it is his profession one that he is extremely good at, i would argue he is the best master gardener in the state. He had stood next the Holly a shrub so large the word tree applies.  He looked up and down the trunk.  "This is probably the biggest Holly I have seen.  This is nice. Don't let BC fuck it up."

I remember something else something I had said when he gave me his estimate for how tall it was in feet."  "How big is that?" I asked famously poor with dimensions.  "As big as a two story house."  I stood in the shadows and asked again, "How big is a house?".... it is the feeling of being stupid and powerless.  Not trying because you know you will fail anyway.

"There is nothing helping her make the decision to see when the images her eyes carry back to her brain are this blurry.  She needs to learn how to see." The Eye Doctor said rather quietly handing me the card of yet another specialist.

Today a different tree is on the chopping block to make way for the new garage and workshop.  This one unlike the Holly is putting up a fight.

"I liked the Holly, didn't you?"  Beach asked.

"No, I never actually liked it.  It was unforgiving and hard to care for but I respected what it was."