a well balanced child

"Mom, did you see that boy did a standing back-tuck?"

"I did.  He must be some sort of athlet.  At first I thought he was a football player but I don't know now."

"Yeah, I think he is a football player too." <pause to look back at the ~17 yr old boy throwing a football around with his friends> "Mom, does football have a standing back tuck in it?" 

once

Once upon a time I didn't have dirt under my fingernails

I try not to think about all the fun I was missing.

it's a bad timing thing

...BC and I had a 'discussion' about the crazy new to me (because I was left out of the loop-de-loop) X's (his, not mine) visitation schedule for the rest of the summer.  Imagine if Fun Houses had roller coasters.  One neat detail that got added to the fun was one kid gets picked up at the house and taken to Lagoon (amusement park we can't afford to go to) then dropped back off to rub it in the other ones face.  So apparently we did enough talking last night that we aren't exactly talking today and that would then be a great time to develop a clot in my leg.  Grrrrrr.

This is that karma thing, not that I was in the wrong, cause I wasn't, it reads more like this: Sweet Misty Brown, if you want to try and stand up for yourself the universe will be more than happy to show you to a seat on the floor.

I got all the medical part of this handled so please don't bitch at me about this.  When I can't literal run from my emotion I become like every other girl...I'm warning you don't make me cry.     

little lost me

the thing about fear is...

if you feed it, it grows

if you try to ignore it, it finds a way to make itself known

if you fight it you have to pretend to be brave

and the thing about pretending to be brave is...

people just might believe you

then you are really screwed.

going down?

Warning: This post should be filed directly under too much girl type of emotional information.

Yep, that’s all the warning you get before I take you right into my crazy head...

I need to unburden my body by about 10 perhaps 12 pounds to be at what I would consider my ‘fighting weight’,  literally the weight that helps me feel like fighting in a the good way not the bad way.  It isn’t about looks it is about feelings, not about jeans but about power. 

I have all the skills to succeed and love to work out, to run, to hike, to swim, to fall off my bike…Yet I struggle all the time to stay in the middle zone.  I have been too thin (did you mean to get that skinny?), I have been too heavy (wth, how did this happen?!?!), and I have bounced between them for years.  I have to be very careful about how I go about dropping weighting if I screw up I could literally kill myself. 

Being diabetic does not help.  Being hypoglycemic does not help.  Having the immune system of a Nat does not help.  My age isn’t helping too much.  Mean Nurses do not help at all (bitch).  Being female does not help…

Okay, what did help was other day I decided to find out how much I actually weigh after all this running, hiking, crossfiting, yoga, cardio blasting.  I didn’t expect a huge loss (maybe none at all) I had had some serious issues with the heat and my levels [lots of boring science goes here] which prevented me from reducing my calories but the number I got was higher than it had been the month before by 6 pounds!!!!

I was totally crushed. I came home in that creepy angry silence that scares the kids. I was pissed & I was exhausted.  I was adamant that I didn’t deserve it.  I had worked harder than that, I deserved more, well LESS actually. 

Anger for me is magic.  I don’t get angry nearly enough.  That's right.  I give too many passes to people to walk on me but here I was standing up to myself (yes, against a scale but it is a start) I didn’t deserve to be given anything than what I had earned.

Well, BC heard all about it the next morning as I sat at the end of our bed lacing my running shoes at 6:30 am.  “Their scale is wrong.” He said matter-of-factly “Weigh somewhere else.”  “It is muscle gain.”  “Water weight.” Others said (even I wondered but I knew that wasn’t right).  The justifications did nothing I was mad and that was a very good thing.

After my morning run I dropped Beach at her gym went hill running then I moseyed over to the rec center slipped past the receptionist and hopped on the scale.  Hum, so BC was right (again) their scale had been wrong.   Not only had I not gained 6 pounds I had dropped 3 more which puts me in the home stretch to healthy.  What I didn’t lose was the ‘angry’.  I’m keeping that thank you very much.  I work hard to be me and I have every right to proudly defend it from myself and any other broken thing that would tell me otherwise.     

in hot pursuit

I talked Beach into helping me make secret cookies for BC while he was out in a wind storm mowing the lawn for us. 

Boo & BC at the Snow Bird Blues Fest 2011

She was really cute about the whole thing wrote him a little thank you card and placed it by the plate for him to find.  After he was done, found the treat, had a few, and thanked us he went back out to plant some new butterfly bushes along the fence line. 

Beach muddled upstairs to find me.  "Mom, now he's out there digging holes in the rain he must want pie or something.  Boys just don't know when they are pushing their luck."

Perhaps I am not the person to be in charge of her view of the opposite sex...

"Mom, the bad thing about having a dog is then you see other dogs and you think they are cuter than yours.  You just want to keep them all."

(a mom speaking but not thinking) "I know, Honey.  It is the exact same way with Boys."

the phone and I

I have a small phone issue, but it is relatively new. 

When we switched to high speed internet someone forgot to sign up for caller id on the new phone.  I couldn't quite adjust to talking to people in what seemed to me to be some freak random order so instead of answering just any old call coming it I would stare at the phone and try to feel who it might be. 

When that proved unreliable (shocking) I stopped answering the phone most of the time.  Enter the campaign led by my friends and a few nosey members of the medical community to get me a cell phone.  Well, I got one and 20 minutes after it charged I got a call which I answered mostly out of shock.  It was my phone calling me to tell me all the things I had to do set up voicemail so I hung up on my demanding phone and backed away slowly....

Him: Heard you got a cell, let me see it.

Me: I left it at home.

Him: Why did you do that?!

Me: Because it is for emergencies and I'm not having one right now.