invisibility

I tell myself it doesn't really matter. I sit on the dusty curb, being little beside the black tires of the van.  I stare back across the parking lot at the building with its towering blue windows. Clutching a coke, I take long deep breaths in an attempt to numb the feeling. 
I need to get back inside.
But first I need to stop crying.
I try to cut myself some slack; it was a long disappointing day (that shouldn't have been- have you seen our family's cute new baby?!) involving 2 calls from the step kids school, a parade of displeased teachers, 1 & 1/2 days suspension, and me the invisible parent on duty- the only guy stupid enough to still be here. 

BC off hunting and the kids mom doesn't live in this state, that leaves me doing the daily. It's okay not to be the headliner but it's a bit hard to swallow the meager after thought (if at all) of thank you for your service, we will be in touch.... would you like fries with that.

And yes actually I would. I have not eaten all day. In fact what I did get was "do you have a dinner plan?"

I try to cut BC slack. 

I don't expect anything for the mom, well perhaps finger pointing.  After all I was the parent here when it happened and for the record it was a repeat performance on the kids part.  We might recall this has happened to me before.

Which is why part me is half sure it is my fault.  Part of me is half sure I am just an easy target.   And part of me wishes that invisibility was a controllable factor.
  
The rest of me knows that next few days will really suck- that is why I am crying. Not for the 'longness' of this day but for the 'longness' of the ones stretched out in front of me.


I know how all this plays out.  Instead of being fully angry with the kid, BC will divide his emotions between the rest of us. Not only will I not get flowers I will get snapped at and ignored and given the cold shoulder.  It's just the way BC is.  But it's horrible timing.

So I tell myself it doesn't really matter. I sit on the dusty curb and wait it out. It doesn't take long.  Invisibility is not my only super power.

"Into this neutral air..." September 1, 1939 W.H. Auden