True not exaggerated fact: outside of my childhood there are 2 people who can say their have experienced that sort of direct and honest anger from me.
One was a parent in the Teen Mother and Child program who thought staying on birth-control after having her second child was too expensive but that her new tattoo was worth sharing with me. My response got me pulled from the exam room but as a former teen mom myself my attending didn't bother to stop laughing before telling me I was so not cut out for pediatrics.
The other would be BC on the day 11 years ago I handed him back his house key and told him he was mean. I remember watching him waiting for bigger words to emerge from my mouth. Then it slowly sunk in what I had said was damning. He has never forgotten it or why I said it.
When it comes to me being truly, purely mad at someone you have a better chance of being struck by lightening. It isn't so much that I am sheepish as it an overload of compassion. I'm not capable of ignoring the feelings I know to be on the other side of the equation. I can reason down the value of my own emotions and situation. That is not to say I don't get mad or even vent especially with the hens on the groups W bench but when it comes time to speak my mind my heart takes overs. For better and worse I am a peace keeper.
After I hung up the phone BC made himself useful elsewhere for awhile no doubt mulling over what he had heard.
A little later he found me on the computer & asked if I was okay. My answer was a flat out "no". In a nutshell- I'm not okay. After 11 years of having my part as BC's partner ignored by the ex and no one seeming to think it important to correct, it has come to a head. But it isn't blowing up on me or really even on BC- it is blowing up on the kid.
BC's out of town work is upsetting the ex. She afraid of the unknown; that unknown is me. Without saying anything about me or my parenting good or bad, or that I exist as person she is threatening to pull the kid with 2 months left of school. I should note legally she can't do it but she can drag us all into court and scare the kid who is very upset already over her reaction. Of that time one week is spring break, one week she is taking him on vacation, there are 2 visitation weekends with her, and then he goes to her for the summer. Not to mention BC isn't actually abandoning his family (yes, we do exist). He is only going to be 5 hours away and he won't be gone all that much, often but not always.... And believe it or not I am a good step mom despite being constantly ignored by the other parents.
Yes, the kid has some behavioral issues. He always has. Yes, this is a big deal for our family and a lot for me (you're welcome for helping raise your child since he was 3). Yes, it is not ideal to have a step parent act as a primary parent but neither is divorce. The single most important items should be: he loves his school, his behavior is improving, he is responding better living here than he was there (even his mom agrees to this point), and his grades are good.
Instead of talking to me about the time I will be here 'alone' with her son (are we all forgetting we did this already? I believe it was last summer I had the kids alone for a month and a half while BC worked in Wyoming) a few weeks back she [the ex] called my mother-in-law to asks about it. When BC heard me say "Thank you for calling but I am getting off the phone right now because I am so mad I can't talk to you anymore" my mother-in-law was just getting around to mentioning it to me.
I explained to BC that was the last straw. I can't care about it anymore. It is wrong for his ex to destabilize her child over the mistakes she has made and corrections she isn't wiling to make. If she would just talk to me she wouldn't be so irrational- we all fear the unknown- we all fear the monsters we have created. I would have opened our house to her so she could see her child's life here with us.
I have befriend every single one of my ex's girlfriends. Any woman even in the running to be a parental figure to them is going to feel nothing but kindness from me. Why? Because I love my children and I don't want something I did to block my relationship with them or give another person a reason to not like them based on my behavior. Step parenting is not a picnic.
I will fight for him to stay because it is the right thing to do but I can no longer carry the feelings for the rest of it. All those feelings are attached to how the ex treats the man I love. I feel all the insults and injustices as if I was him. For me giving up that passion will mean loving BC less. It is just how it works. And I told him that, "I'm sorry but I can't care about this anymore. For 11 years I been alone holding up this light hoping you or anyone in your [BC's] family would stand up beside me- just once. I am done waiting. And not caring about this means not caring about you so much too."
I shut him out the rest of the day by disappearing into the city with Beach on the hunt for horse stencils.
When I left to run the gym taxi I told him I was going by the local habit for humanity store to look a sofa on my way home. The rest is simple. Without me knowing he phoned the store where he is a regular and asked them to hold it for me. Then showed up, bargained down the price, loaded it up, and took it home. He tightened the legs and pushed it into its new spot by the stairs. No man has ever been so happy to buy his wife a retro-cream colored sofa. Nothing says she staying like furniture does...
I may not have a lot of mad inside my body but I have a lot of love. I'm sure one day I will find new and better reasons to love him for.
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