truth

I haven't been to a graveyard since my sister was buried, isn't even a true statement.  

I have dragged the kids from the car into dumping rain, beating sun, howling winds, nameless condition to romp through old cemeteries, ghost towns, and tumbling houses. We collect bones.  I chase ghosts in my mind. 

But my family has buried 3 members without me standing graveside.  

I managed half a service for my grandmother before darting for the parking lot, a fast exit from a viewing for another grandmother followed by hiding out in the schoolyard of the O.C. to avoid the graveside, and completely MIA for a cousin.  

My track record is not looking promising... but I really loved my aunt and I really love our family and don't want to let anyone down.

"What are you most afraid of?" he asks me in that gentle I promise not to listen too hard to your answer voice.

"I am afraid of crying."

"You do know crying at a funeral is totally acceptable behavior?"

"Yes, but I am afraid if I start crying I won't be able to stop."  And for this fear he offers no counter because he knows what I am saying.  

"I can see how hard you are fighting to make this possible.  I could tell you going is not in your best interest."

"Would that be a lie?" I ask.

"I don't quite know." He answers, "I'm so worried it is the truth."